Horror Movie Survival Guide….sort of

16 10 2012

This is inspired by my fab friend Megan. She introduced me to “Cabin in the Woods” two weeks ago, and I have been mulling it over ever since. In this movie, people are chemically pushed to portray horror movie character stereotypes and chose the manner of their own demise. In my not-so-countless hours of thinking this idea over, I came to the realization that most plagues me; I am much smarter than the characters and I would totally survive. Now this has been brought up before during many of my friends horror movie marathons, usually during or after the mourning of my movie boyfriend. Together as a group we have absorbed a ridiculous amount of horror movies. Considering we have a vast knowledge of zombie movies and that only represents a portion on our movie marathons, it is more than ridiculous and just down right astounding. Now that I have sufficiently bragged about them, I feel comfortable to proceed to my point. As a group we could most likely survive, but being forced chemically like the people in “Cabin in the Woods” might tip the scales in our demise. (I mean they did turn a pre-med student into a blithering blonde whore with some hair dye…) So here are a few of my thoughts if you find yourself in a horror movie-esque scenario.

Now most horror movies don’t actually occur where you live, if you have lived there for a while; so if that is the case for you, so far so good. In my experience they start in rest stops or gas stations while on road trips, visiting an old camp or stomping ground from your childhood that has a sordid or mysterious past, a new house built on an indian burial ground, an old house that people died in or housed the murders, or a cabin in the woods that one of your friends get invited to by their cousin you later realize never exisited….etc. Basically any  place that could house bad juju, speaking of bad juju stay away from all things Ouija boards. Ouija boards are not some child toy and just seep bad juju in my opinion.

So some how you ignore all the warning signs and get stuck in a horror movie scenario with one of your members triggering the forces to place the curse upon the group in its entirety. That is a tough tun of events, but remember sometimes, someone lives either by chance or escapes (to leave it open to a possible sequel) so you have at least that shot into getting out alive. To better understand your chances for survival and your role, you will need to identify what stereotype you are supposed to be portraying.

Megan – “Alpha Male”: Alpha means a couple of things, one being you are a douche bag (sorry Megan) and the other you are going to most likely die. They are usually the survivor of the first attack by the horror movie villan (please see Whore for more information regarding the first victim) and spread the word of the impending danger to give the others a chance to survive. To try survive passed the stereotype, try to listen to your gut and DON’T separate the group!

Briana: – “Side-Kick”: Side-kick to the Alpha is a little complicated. Half the movie I am convinced the Side-Kick is on the horror from the beginning and beg the Alpha to ignore their advice, and the other half I am convinced listening to them will save everyone. If you are the Side-Kick pick an effing side and stick to it. If you are on it from the beginning and part of the trap, for shame! If you just are giving lousy advice, shut up. And if you are giving advice that could save people and Alpha is ignoring it, rather than causing mutiny and having people take sides just kill the Alpha and blame whatever is hunting you down.

Nell: – “Loaner”  This is the street smart character that you are not sure how meshes in the group. (Not you  Nell! I love you, it is just what character best fits you!!!!) They appear a little stand off-ish and clash with the main group dynamic. The Loaner is not dismissed though, they provide valuable insight that the Nerd will most likely not account for as well as try to steer the group to safety. The downfall of the Loaner is typically when the group fully accepts them or they realize they love the group like a family and openly discuss this. So your survival tip is easy, DON’T! Just stay quiet and alive and block out all human emotions.

Lauren: – “Nerd” If you look around and you are the smartest person in the group, book wise, you are probably The Nerd. The Nerd will typically cling to logic and try to define the unimaginable with scientific and nonsense reasoning. Unfortunately for Lauren, their denial will seal their death while they are trying to disprove the horror  killing them. The only way to survive as the “Nerd” is to not be stuck in trying to your way out of it. Not everything is just a creepy man in a mask as Scooby Doo has let some of us let to believe, sometimes like the movie – it is a dog in a mask.

Courtney: – “Jock” If you were on several sports teams on high school or college and not the towel boy, this is probably you. The jock is plagued by good moral compass and going back to save the weaker members of the team. To survive, just run like hell…seriously. You will be safe as long as someone is slower behind you. You might also want to get a baller weapon in case you need to be on the defensive.

Ben: – “Slacker” AKA “Fool” Unlike the Nerd, the Fool thinks outside the box….sometimes a little too outside the box. Survival is key for the Slacker. You need to get your head in the game and don’t get too distracted. Your ability to not think like the standard sane person works in your favor as long as you have the drive and sense enough to push it too far.

Jennifer – “Innocent” AKA “Virgin” This character typically as the highest rate of survival as long as they suffer in the process. I honestly don’t completely agree with this assessment of what I bring to the table, but with the stereotypes this unfortunately fits me best. (Awesome, funny, baller zombie killer was not an option) To survive I suggest sticking to the group, over dramatizing everyone’s death to show how hurt you are, and pushing yourself to the emotional breaking point in front of the killer. (Also doesn’t hurt if at that moment you have a fool-proof plan of killing it as a back up) This will gain sympathy and will let you live if only to allow a sequel to occur to torture you with your new friends.

“Whore” – This person is basically bait, slutty bait. I could try to give you some tips that might make sure you don’t last the first death, but honestly I blame the whore for what is happening the group. So if you die first, you know will know why.