How to Solve A “Who Done It”

29 01 2013

I absorb mystery novels like most of my obsessions, in a terrifying fashion. I find that the first novel from a new author is like trying to analyze a serial killers second victim without knowing about the first. You are trying to figure out the character, environment, laws, relationships, and then finally who was killed. I like to take my time with the first book I read from an author. How I feel about this book will determine if I will read another book in the series or even from the same author again. For example I have only read one James Patterson Novel, from the women murder club series 1st to die. That was all it took. I read a predictable, horrendous book and have written James Patterson off for the remainder of my reading career. That is besides the point, with the skills I have acquired from my years of reading, I have compiled some important steps in solving a “Who Done It.”

1. Locate a crime, preferably a murder: Somehow starting can be the most difficult step. You will either need to part of the list below or align yourself with someone on it.

A. Homicide Detective

B. Forensic Anthropologist

C. FBI Agent

D. CIA Operative

E.  Private Investigator

F. Victim of a Violet Crime – personal or family member related

G. Bounty Hunter

H. Medical Examiner

I. Criminologist

J. Mystery Writer

K. Profiler

L. Vigilante

M. Criminal

N. Thief

O. Fake Psychic

P. Wizard

2. Enlist the help from a faithful, possible suspect, side kick: If you were on the list, locate someone close to the crime or to you that can either push you further into the mystery or know when to pull you out. If were able to align yourself with someone on the list, you are the side kick (congrats on finding yourself.) The job of the side kick is simple, help solve/hinder the development of the story. It also helps if they have a side job that sometimes distracts them, excellent marksmanship, invaluable knowledge of the interworkings of the crime or legal system, an interesting quirk, a romantic interest, and trained in the art of sleuth.

3. Get invested: Either by connecting with the victim, victim family member, rebelling against an authority figure, trusting your gut against all doubters, getting dragged in by the killer making it personal, etc.

4. Interview all People of Interest.

5. Narrow Down and Interrogate Your First Suspect: Spouse estranged or otherwise, boyfriend/girlfriend, business partner, ex, best frenemy, arch nemesis, shady pet sitter, contactor, spouse of affair, jealous co-worker, nanny, iguana.

6. Rattle the First Suspect: Force them to reveal a previously unknown fact or suspicion about a Person of Interest you wrote off due the amount of cooperation you received.

7. Grill the Red Herring: The person brought up in the first Interrogation is about 98% a Red Herring, grill them like no one else. Throw an object and make a vaguely veiled threat.

8. Work out the Red Herring: Verify alibi or lack of motive. Revisit first suspect and groan in exasperation.

9. Check how far you are into the novel: Over half way means you have typically met the killer, or they are at least mentioned. Look at everyone involved, including side kick, leave no stone unturned.

10. Accuse Innocent: Be 100% this person is guilty, loose the veiled threats, discover indisputable fact they are innocent. Question you motives, perspective, objectivity, and everything you know about the case.

11. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo: Pick your 4 closest guesses to who committed the crime plus one outrageous person that you would bet your life didn’t do it. Write the names on each one of your fingers. Play Eenie Meenie Miney Mo and confront the lucky winner.

12. Plan is revealed: Like all bad guys and psychopaths when confronted with confidence that you found the right guy, they fold and admit everything including motive, weapon, and says a line involving pesky kids.

13. Buy yourself and Partner a drink: Reflect on the case and discover new information about yourself. Talk about a job well done. Eat a piece of pie.


My Life is a Giant Eff’d Up Circle

17 10 2012

It really is. Everything I have been through and thought I got over somehow sneaks up on me again and then boom, circle. Even if you just looked at my blogging you could see the pattern, but apparently it is one giant circle that encompasses my life in its entirety. How Rude! Everyone must feel this way right? This weird pull in a direction you have already been in, hoping that the outcome and experience will be so drastically different it will rationalize the bizarre indy 500 you are competing in? I also find it almost incomprehensible that I just realized this. I am not brightest crayon in the box typically, but I am amazed sometimes how little I know about myself. Like how easily I become side tracked….anyways. Back on track! Eff’d up circle = my life. Here is a bit more clarity so you can understand what I am talking about. I have an obsessive personality which ebbs and flows. I become really obsessed to the point of terrifying myself before baking it off entirely, and then move on to something new. This continues obsession hoping for a couple more times until I go back to an obsession I have previously thought I kicked the habit of. And round and round I go. This isn’t just for watching a show, reading a series or genre, music, general hobbies, and time fillers. I almost do it with people too. I horde time with certain friends and then not see them, sometimes not talk to them for a while until I realize that I have not spent time again and then I spend even more time with them to make up for missed time.

You can just list this entry as reason 19,802 I am irrational and a little crazy.





Horror Movie Survival Guide….sort of

16 10 2012

This is inspired by my fab friend Megan. She introduced me to “Cabin in the Woods” two weeks ago, and I have been mulling it over ever since. In this movie, people are chemically pushed to portray horror movie character stereotypes and chose the manner of their own demise. In my not-so-countless hours of thinking this idea over, I came to the realization that most plagues me; I am much smarter than the characters and I would totally survive. Now this has been brought up before during many of my friends horror movie marathons, usually during or after the mourning of my movie boyfriend. Together as a group we have absorbed a ridiculous amount of horror movies. Considering we have a vast knowledge of zombie movies and that only represents a portion on our movie marathons, it is more than ridiculous and just down right astounding. Now that I have sufficiently bragged about them, I feel comfortable to proceed to my point. As a group we could most likely survive, but being forced chemically like the people in “Cabin in the Woods” might tip the scales in our demise. (I mean they did turn a pre-med student into a blithering blonde whore with some hair dye…) So here are a few of my thoughts if you find yourself in a horror movie-esque scenario.

Now most horror movies don’t actually occur where you live, if you have lived there for a while; so if that is the case for you, so far so good. In my experience they start in rest stops or gas stations while on road trips, visiting an old camp or stomping ground from your childhood that has a sordid or mysterious past, a new house built on an indian burial ground, an old house that people died in or housed the murders, or a cabin in the woods that one of your friends get invited to by their cousin you later realize never exisited….etc. Basically any  place that could house bad juju, speaking of bad juju stay away from all things Ouija boards. Ouija boards are not some child toy and just seep bad juju in my opinion.

So some how you ignore all the warning signs and get stuck in a horror movie scenario with one of your members triggering the forces to place the curse upon the group in its entirety. That is a tough tun of events, but remember sometimes, someone lives either by chance or escapes (to leave it open to a possible sequel) so you have at least that shot into getting out alive. To better understand your chances for survival and your role, you will need to identify what stereotype you are supposed to be portraying.

Megan – “Alpha Male”: Alpha means a couple of things, one being you are a douche bag (sorry Megan) and the other you are going to most likely die. They are usually the survivor of the first attack by the horror movie villan (please see Whore for more information regarding the first victim) and spread the word of the impending danger to give the others a chance to survive. To try survive passed the stereotype, try to listen to your gut and DON’T separate the group!

Briana: – “Side-Kick”: Side-kick to the Alpha is a little complicated. Half the movie I am convinced the Side-Kick is on the horror from the beginning and beg the Alpha to ignore their advice, and the other half I am convinced listening to them will save everyone. If you are the Side-Kick pick an effing side and stick to it. If you are on it from the beginning and part of the trap, for shame! If you just are giving lousy advice, shut up. And if you are giving advice that could save people and Alpha is ignoring it, rather than causing mutiny and having people take sides just kill the Alpha and blame whatever is hunting you down.

Nell: – “Loaner”  This is the street smart character that you are not sure how meshes in the group. (Not you  Nell! I love you, it is just what character best fits you!!!!) They appear a little stand off-ish and clash with the main group dynamic. The Loaner is not dismissed though, they provide valuable insight that the Nerd will most likely not account for as well as try to steer the group to safety. The downfall of the Loaner is typically when the group fully accepts them or they realize they love the group like a family and openly discuss this. So your survival tip is easy, DON’T! Just stay quiet and alive and block out all human emotions.

Lauren: – “Nerd” If you look around and you are the smartest person in the group, book wise, you are probably The Nerd. The Nerd will typically cling to logic and try to define the unimaginable with scientific and nonsense reasoning. Unfortunately for Lauren, their denial will seal their death while they are trying to disprove the horror  killing them. The only way to survive as the “Nerd” is to not be stuck in trying to your way out of it. Not everything is just a creepy man in a mask as Scooby Doo has let some of us let to believe, sometimes like the movie – it is a dog in a mask.

Courtney: – “Jock” If you were on several sports teams on high school or college and not the towel boy, this is probably you. The jock is plagued by good moral compass and going back to save the weaker members of the team. To survive, just run like hell…seriously. You will be safe as long as someone is slower behind you. You might also want to get a baller weapon in case you need to be on the defensive.

Ben: – “Slacker” AKA “Fool” Unlike the Nerd, the Fool thinks outside the box….sometimes a little too outside the box. Survival is key for the Slacker. You need to get your head in the game and don’t get too distracted. Your ability to not think like the standard sane person works in your favor as long as you have the drive and sense enough to push it too far.

Jennifer – “Innocent” AKA “Virgin” This character typically as the highest rate of survival as long as they suffer in the process. I honestly don’t completely agree with this assessment of what I bring to the table, but with the stereotypes this unfortunately fits me best. (Awesome, funny, baller zombie killer was not an option) To survive I suggest sticking to the group, over dramatizing everyone’s death to show how hurt you are, and pushing yourself to the emotional breaking point in front of the killer. (Also doesn’t hurt if at that moment you have a fool-proof plan of killing it as a back up) This will gain sympathy and will let you live if only to allow a sequel to occur to torture you with your new friends.

“Whore” – This person is basically bait, slutty bait. I could try to give you some tips that might make sure you don’t last the first death, but honestly I blame the whore for what is happening the group. So if you die first, you know will know why.

10 Worst Chick Flick Endings

29 09 2012

1. Titanic – Regardless of knowing that the ship was going down I hate Titanic. Seriously, worst movie ever. I would share my door with Leonardo, or at least kick someone off their floatation device to save him. I would rather watch Avatar, and you really don’t me to go on a tangent about that.Translation – James Cameron + Me = Not Friends

2.  27 Dresses – Katherine Heigl, need I say more. Plus she does not deserve James Marsden!!!

3. Lake House – I still don’t understand that movie. Though funny story, my mother constantly falls asleep in movies and forgets she sees them. She saw MI3 4 times and guessed the ending the 4th time and was very proud of herself….I wanted to kill myself personally. Anyways, I convinced her that she had fallen asleep in Lakehouse and didn’t like it. She got a little too smart for me, and asked the Blockbuster Clerk (yup that long ago) if it had been rented under my account there, which it hadn’t. So we get home, watch it, and she hated it. All I told her was that I knew it and tried to avoid the pain of sitting through that movie and she should listen to me next time. Still makes me laugh 🙂

4. Thelma and Louise – I hate fill in your own blank endings. Personally I feel like the car went off the cliff and they died in a fiery car crashing…see not a great ending to a chick flick. Though Brad Pitt gets an honorable mention as being super attractive in the movie.

5. A Walk to Remember – Sometimes the “Happily Ever After” is too boring, unfortunately I feel like the let’s get married and then just kill the main girl a little too depressing….Yeah Yeah, the dude went on to medical school, and the dad says that he was the miracle his daughter got to witness before dying, but no. Sorry, hate it. I just am better off stopping the movie at the wedding and calling it a day.

6. She’s The Man – Typically I love the Amanda Bynes in her kid targeted roles (Sydney White, Hairspray, Big Fat Liar, Easy A) but the ending to this movie is just….weird. I understand it is based on of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, but that doesn’t end with a wheel of cheese, Viola being a horrible soccer player, and a debutante ball. Shakespeare is a great to remake in modern society with a twist, but please just make it less silly.

7. Law of Attraction – The concept at first is cute, obvious attraction but covered by despise, seriously that is right up my alley. Going off to Ireland and getting married in some weird ceremony – okay I guess that happens. Tabloid finding out about it/caring about it and then agree to be fake married to not ruin career – Okay I am getting lost now. betrayal and woman asking for divorce – YAY! Something that makes sense, back on track. Being forced to go back to Ireland, find out the marriage was faked but then realizing you fell in love and get real married – yeah I am so confused and realizing this movie is just plain bad.

8.  What’s Your Number – Anna Faris is hilarious, now that is out of the way…this movie is general is too predictable. Every step of the way I know what is going to happen. The ending was boring and the storyline in general was uninspired.

9. City Of Angels – No, I do not have a problem with sad endings, but this movie makes me cry. I hate crying, especially the “OMG! This is so depressing, why would I watch this” kind of crying. I have a deep love for Nicholas Cage, and he makes a unexcepted and surprisingly believable angel, but  Meg getting hit by a truck is just over the line. I mean he gave up everything he knew for her, and then she dies in some freaking gasoline fight accident….wait wrong movie, I mean and then she dies by closing her eyes while riding a bicycle and gets hit by a truck. Talk about your avoidable causalities, that was definitely one of them!!!

10. My Best Friend’s Wedding – I love this movie, which is why it pains me put it on the list but the ending BLOWS (in my opinion). I know, I know, I sometimes hate the happy endings and sometimes hate the imperfect unhappily ever after endings too! There is apparently no pleasing me. But I don’t expect Julia Roberts to get with her best friend to make the ending happy, but why can’t see just meet someone who she has potential to fall in love with versus just her talking with her gay friend George. JUST SAYING!

Better Luck Next Year – Some Results and Wisdom Post Emmy’s

24 09 2012

Well, the Emmy’s are over. My predictions were WAY off, which was unfortunate. I do have some gems of knowledge for some of the losers so that they way have better luck in the coming years.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR: I am utter ashamed and disappointed in this sham they call an awards show if SCHMIDT didn’t win. I have no advice for you Max except we might have to attempt to get Modern Family bannned from the awards…..

Ed O’Neill as Jay Pritchett in “Modern Family”

Jesse Tyler Ferguson as Mitchell Pritchett in “Modern Family”  (Don’t Worry Jesse I still love you!!!!)

Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy in “Modern Family”

Eric Stonestreet as Cameron Tucker in “Modern Family” –  Winner

Max Greenfield as Schmidt in “New Girl”

Bill Hader as various characters in “Saturday Night Live” ( Stefon is adorably amazing, as are you)



COMEDY ACTOR: I will admit that Jon winning was somewhat deserved due to the B.S. He went through with Charlie, and getting promoted to leading man versus supporting cast. So yay there. On the other hand,..

Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper in “The Big Bang Theory” – Don’t get less adorable

Larry David as Himself in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” – Don’t grow hair

Don Cheadle as Marty Kaan in “House of Lies”Have a stern talking to with the writers, make sure Kristen Bell doesn’t steal too much of your thunder.

Louis C.K. as Louie in “Louie” – Don’t unfriend Ricky

Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in “30 Rock” – Trick everyone up and invite Adam Baldwin on the show to play your long lost brother. I really love Adam Baldwin…

Jon Cryer as Alan Harper in “Two and a Half Men” –  WINNER – Don’t get insulted when people refer to you as Ducky 🙂

COMEDY ACTRESS – Am I the only one who doesn’t like Julia, though her speech was funny? I really can’t think of any improvements, like I said before this was a freaking tough catagory and it was not filled with just one show’s actors. Everyone was diverse and strong. Difficult decision.

Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath in “Girls”

Melissa McCarthy as Molly Flynn in “Mike & Molly”

Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day in “New Girl”  – Be more like your sister

Edie Falco as Jackie Peyton in “Nurse Jackie”

Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope in “Parks and Recreation”

Tina Fey as Liz Lemon in “30 Rock”

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer in “Veep” – WINNER

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS – I WAS RIGHT!!! First one of the night. I just wanted this noted…..

Mayim Bialik as Amy Farrah Fowler in “The Big Bang Theory”

Kathryn Joosten as Karen McCluskey in “Desperate Housewives”

Julie Bowen as Claire Dunphy in “Modern Family”  – WINNER

Sofia Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett in “Modern Family”

Merritt Wever as Zoey Barkow in “Nurse Jackie”

Kristen Wiig as various characters in “Saturday Night Live”

DRAMA SERIES:This is where the kids gloves come off….

“Boardwalk Empire” (HBO)  – Maybe if you hadn’t have killed my favorite character we wouldn’t be in this situation, just saying.

“Breaking Bad” (AMC) ”

Downton Abbey” (PBS) ”

Game of Thrones” (HBO) – More Tyrion, less Sansa

“Homeland” (Showtime) – WINNER!

“Mad Men” (AMC) – I consider this utter and clear proof Megan Draper should be killed off in some freak whorish-themed death. I hate her and feel her presence ruined this season, and is the reason you lost.

DRAMA ACTRESS – Seond one I got right…and I thought was on a role…dead wrong.

Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in “Damages”

Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley in “Downton Abbey”

Julianna Margulies as Alicia Florrick in “The Good Wife” – As much as Raj loves her, Good Wife is not my new Greys Anatomy…

Kathy Bates as Harriet Korn in “Harry’s Law”

Claire Danes as Carrie Mathison in “Homeland” – WINNER!

Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson in “Mad Men” – loved her as a blonde, she is looking GREAT!

DRAMA ACTOR – I don’t know what I need to do to get  i hate Michael or Jon an Emmy. Jon I can see this time around, if you havent figured out yet, I hate Megan and blame this years failures soley on her, but Michael!??! He is an awesome serial killer, and made my list…how rude!! (Though didn’t picture Damian with a british accent, makes him hotter and the Emmy more deserved in my opinion)

Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson in “Boardwalk Empire”  – He looked in a killer mood tonight, maybe he should play Dexter for a week to get his mind off of things. Probably didn’t help his show was at the same time as the awards….

Bryan Cranston as Walter White in “Breaking Bad”

Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan in “Dexter”

Hugh Bonneville as Robert, Earl of Grantham in “Downton Abbey”

Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody in “Homeland” – WINNER

Jon Hamm as Don Draper in “Mad Men”

Supporting Actress Drama – Mcgonagall FTW!!!

Anna Gunn as Skyler White in “Breaking Bad”

Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham in “Downton Abbey”  – WINNNER

Joanne Froggatt as Anna in “Downton Abbey”

Archie Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma in “The Good Wife”

Christine Baranski as Diane Lockhart in “The Good Wife”

Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway Harris in “Mad Men”

MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE – AHS won only one, for shame universe…for shame

“American Horror Story” (FX)

“Game Change” (HBO) –  WINNER

“Hatfields & McCoys” (History)

“Hemingway & Gellhorn” (HBO)

“Luther” (BBC America)

“Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia” (PBS)

VARIETY SERIES –Everyone was funny, loved the skit to the mic. It was anyone’s game really (less Jimmy Kimmel)

“The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)

“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central) – WINNER

“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)

“Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC)

“Real Time With Bill Maher” (HBO)

“Saturday Night Live” (NBC)

HOST FOR A REALITY OR REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM – Maybe Tom is a fantastic host and I just don’t know it because I associate that show with pain like no other. When my grandmother comes to visit and I am forced to watch it, it makes me want to kill myself. plain and simple.

Phil Keoghan, “The Amazing Race”

Ryan Seacrest, “American Idol”

Betty White, “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers”

Tom Bergeron, “Dancing With the Stars” – WINNER

Cat Deeley, “So You Think You Can Dance”

There you go, some thoughts and results from tonight.

Ignorance is sometimes bliss

23 09 2012

I can’t be the only one on the planet that sometimes feels like I have most of the answers, or at least most of the important ones. But sometimes I find out I was wrong, swindled, and just assumed incorrectly. It happens, not too often, but it definitely does. Here are my 5 brightest non-bright moments.

5. Coffee Cake Contains Coffee – I HATE coffee. I really do. I hold grudges on baristas that accidentally make my peppermint hot chocolate during the winter, a mocha instead. I have to smell and taste the drink prior to leaving in case they are trying to poison me. I used to have someone else drink it before me, but soon realized I apparently don’t know anyone who can’t taste the coffee in a mocha…..learned that very quickly. ANYWAYS that is besides the point, but until about 6 months ago I just assumed that per the name it contained coffee, so I just stayed away from it. Until one day I said something like “No, I don’t like coffee, I don’t want any coffee cake” for someone to advise of my miss assumption. Pretty embarrassing if I don’t say so myself.

4. Actors Spend Their Whole Lives Doing a Movie – Yeah I am glad this happened when I was a child verses now. I used to think that they had to pick out who was going to be a good actor when they were a baby and filed a whole movie. Like the same person was the child, adult, and really old person. I think it me watching a movie with Julia Roberts to fully understand the concept that other people played them. I just thought they planned out the movies WAY far in advanced so they could do things in between.


3. The ending to Ring was a happy and joyful one – LIES! It took me almost a week to watch Ring (every time I got scared I paused the movie) and when it got to everyone being okay I just turned it off. I was way wrong, like super wrong. I then watched Ringu with my lovely friend Megan during a meeting for International Film Society in High School. It was mostly the same, a little scarier, until the end. I didn’t understand what was going on, and kept asking out loud what was happening and why the crazy girl was climbing out of the television set. Lets just say I wait for credits to come on now….

2. Clouds are a bi-product of factories – If you didn’t know this I am sorry to inform you now. I was not silly enough to think that the factories were making clouds, but I thought that it was more like a happy accident, like “Look we got concrete and clouds, YAY!” except not. I am not sure when this finally sunk in probably when we started learning about smog in school…either way in my defense the smoke totally does look like little baby clouds!

1. Telling my friend embarassing stories means they will be kept a secret – I have learned this several times over the years. I love my friends, and I can laugh at myself (obviously) but some times I get surprised by them remembering embarassing things (aka GENIE PHOTOS!) and having the stories retold again. But truth is, they are my friend whom I love very dearly, and calling me on stupid stuff I did makes me smarter next time, like not printing IM conversations, telling a story 10 times because someone wants me to tell everyone, and being awesome enough to laugh at the stories.

Well hope you liked it. If I left something off of here it was probably on purpose 🙂

Im the kind of girl that…

8 09 2010

So here I am, 5:00am on a now wednesday morning, wide awake because my brain just wont turn off. Thinking about completely random and strange things. About what I’ll be like when I am older, if I will still like to pack my lunch with Disney Princess and Hello Kitty themed containers, still love a good murder mystery book (because seriously it isn’t interesting until someone/lots of people die), still think Halo 2 is way better than Halo and Halo 3, and if in five years I would make any freaking decisions already. I mean I love being indecisive, but sometimes it annoys even me. I still don’t know what I want to do in my life, except for one day get married and have kids…which is predictable and yes wanted but not now. I like to plan, but can never decide on the when. I don’t know. I still can’t even decide on what to do with my hair, let alone have enough brain power to try and tackle my life questions. I miss how much more simple high school was. I knew who my friends were, the future I was going to have, my emotions were in check, and I knew what school I would want my kids to eventually go to. I mean, Buda was my whole life. And even though I have been out of  78610 zip code for 2.5 years, it makes me sad to think those stupid childish dreams aren’t reality. It especially makes me sad, because I don’t really have a dream now. Or even like a plausible reality.

I could literally spend hours trying to dissect the inner workings of my cold hollow black hole of a heart I have and come up with some weird and twisted reasons why I am at a complete slump, or I could just pretend to understand myself and try to work through it. I know everyone goes through this doubt, if they are on the right path or if there even is one. But sometimes it doesn’t matter if everyone is going through it because you are so wrapped up in you. Which I am. I can’t see passed my freaking face, and feel like I am standing in the middle of some darkness that will just swallow me whole. Not like I’d disappear, but who I was sure will. Just become another soulless being in the middle of nowhere with no plan of escape and no idea how I got there. Maybe it is the sleep deprivation talking, but I never want to feel like that. I will cling to my humanity (like I have any) and continue this blind trek into god knows what. I wonder what friends shall accompany on this journey, and if the zombies will get us in the end. Until next time…. /*\/*\