Im the kind of girl that…

8 09 2010

So here I am, 5:00am on a now wednesday morning, wide awake because my brain just wont turn off. Thinking about completely random and strange things. About what I’ll be like when I am older, if I will still like to pack my lunch with Disney Princess and Hello Kitty themed containers, still love a good murder mystery book (because seriously it isn’t interesting until someone/lots of people die), still think Halo 2 is way better than Halo and Halo 3, and if in five years I would make any freaking decisions already. I mean I love being indecisive, but sometimes it annoys even me. I still don’t know what I want to do in my life, except for one day get married and have kids…which is predictable and yes wanted but not now. I like to plan, but can never decide on the when. I don’t know. I still can’t even decide on what to do with my hair, let alone have enough brain power to try and tackle my life questions. I miss how much more simple high school was. I knew who my friends were, the future I was going to have, my emotions were in check, and I knew what school I would want my kids to eventually go to. I mean, Buda was my whole life. And even though I have been out of  78610 zip code for 2.5 years, it makes me sad to think those stupid childish dreams aren’t reality. It especially makes me sad, because I don’t really have a dream now. Or even like a plausible reality.

I could literally spend hours trying to dissect the inner workings of my cold hollow black hole of a heart I have and come up with some weird and twisted reasons why I am at a complete slump, or I could just pretend to understand myself and try to work through it. I know everyone goes through this doubt, if they are on the right path or if there even is one. But sometimes it doesn’t matter if everyone is going through it because you are so wrapped up in you. Which I am. I can’t see passed my freaking face, and feel like I am standing in the middle of some darkness that will just swallow me whole. Not like I’d disappear, but who I was sure will. Just become another soulless being in the middle of nowhere with no plan of escape and no idea how I got there. Maybe it is the sleep deprivation talking, but I never want to feel like that. I will cling to my humanity (like I have any) and continue this blind trek into god knows what. I wonder what friends shall accompany on this journey, and if the zombies will get us in the end. Until next time…. /*\/*\

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