How to Solve A “Who Done It”

29 01 2013

I absorb mystery novels like most of my obsessions, in a terrifying fashion. I find that the first novel from a new author is like trying to analyze a serial killers second victim without knowing about the first. You are trying to figure out the character, environment, laws, relationships, and then finally who was killed. I like to take my time with the first book I read from an author. How I feel about this book will determine if I will read another book in the series or even from the same author again. For example I have only read one James Patterson Novel, from the women murder club series 1st to die. That was all it took. I read a predictable, horrendous book and have written James Patterson off for the remainder of my reading career. That is besides the point, with the skills I have acquired from my years of reading, I have compiled some important steps in solving a “Who Done It.”

1. Locate a crime, preferably a murder: Somehow starting can be the most difficult step. You will either need to part of the list below or align yourself with someone on it.

A. Homicide Detective

B. Forensic Anthropologist

C. FBI Agent

D. CIA Operative

E.  Private Investigator

F. Victim of a Violet Crime – personal or family member related

G. Bounty Hunter

H. Medical Examiner

I. Criminologist

J. Mystery Writer

K. Profiler

L. Vigilante

M. Criminal

N. Thief

O. Fake Psychic

P. Wizard

2. Enlist the help from a faithful, possible suspect, side kick: If you were on the list, locate someone close to the crime or to you that can either push you further into the mystery or know when to pull you out. If were able to align yourself with someone on the list, you are the side kick (congrats on finding yourself.) The job of the side kick is simple, help solve/hinder the development of the story. It also helps if they have a side job that sometimes distracts them, excellent marksmanship, invaluable knowledge of the interworkings of the crime or legal system, an interesting quirk, a romantic interest, and trained in the art of sleuth.

3. Get invested: Either by connecting with the victim, victim family member, rebelling against an authority figure, trusting your gut against all doubters, getting dragged in by the killer making it personal, etc.

4. Interview all People of Interest.

5. Narrow Down and Interrogate Your First Suspect: Spouse estranged or otherwise, boyfriend/girlfriend, business partner, ex, best frenemy, arch nemesis, shady pet sitter, contactor, spouse of affair, jealous co-worker, nanny, iguana.

6. Rattle the First Suspect: Force them to reveal a previously unknown fact or suspicion about a Person of Interest you wrote off due the amount of cooperation you received.

7. Grill the Red Herring: The person brought up in the first Interrogation is about 98% a Red Herring, grill them like no one else. Throw an object and make a vaguely veiled threat.

8. Work out the Red Herring: Verify alibi or lack of motive. Revisit first suspect and groan in exasperation.

9. Check how far you are into the novel: Over half way means you have typically met the killer, or they are at least mentioned. Look at everyone involved, including side kick, leave no stone unturned.

10. Accuse Innocent: Be 100% this person is guilty, loose the veiled threats, discover indisputable fact they are innocent. Question you motives, perspective, objectivity, and everything you know about the case.

11. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo: Pick your 4 closest guesses to who committed the crime plus one outrageous person that you would bet your life didn’t do it. Write the names on each one of your fingers. Play Eenie Meenie Miney Mo and confront the lucky winner.

12. Plan is revealed: Like all bad guys and psychopaths when confronted with confidence that you found the right guy, they fold and admit everything including motive, weapon, and says a line involving pesky kids.

13. Buy yourself and Partner a drink: Reflect on the case and discover new information about yourself. Talk about a job well done. Eat a piece of pie.





Zomlypse Survival Guide Part VIII – Dealing with Disappointment

23 12 2012

So it is December 23, 2012. Never thought I would see this day, or at least not without having to fight off hoards of zombies. I know most people are relived with the fact we are alive without zombies but some have just a twinge of disappointment for the zomlypse not happening….yet.

For those disappointed few, I have a silver lining. Just because the Zomlypse has not occurred when the Mayan’s falsely predicted the end of the world doesn’t mean it isn’t the end of the world. It just means we have to sharpen our skills and be ready at a moments notice because it could happen faster than I can type this sentence. For those in denial or thinking that we should just give up on the hopes of a Zombie filled world I have a few things I would like to say to you.

5. If the world is going to end – might as well as be Zombies: Seriously. Is aliens any better? Or even some weird virus like small pox? At least with Zombies we have a fighting chance to survive and build a better world. Plus we know what Zombie’s strength and weakness are once we determine what they are using as a reference for their behavior.

no-aliens

4. Zombie skills are transferable: Unlike community college credits you can use your skills to fight many different horrors. You can use your mad gun and close weapon combat skills to beat Abominable Snowmen, Dinosaurs, Mermen, Faries, Vampires (with replaced wooden bullets) , Werewolves (with silver bullets), and everything in between.

jason-stackhouse-pic_652x978 At least in the book he is part Fae and sexy 🙂

3.  Training Trips= Bonding with Friends: Rent a creepy van, buy dark bags, duct tape, and plenty of ear plugs. Then roll up at 4am break into your friend’s house and drag them into said creepy van. You can take them on a camping trip, Road Trip, or even Vegas. Spending time with your survival mates to get to know them better and learn if you need to kick someone out before your life depends on it.

Creepy-van

2.  Conversation topics with cool kids like me: Gossiping about non-Zomlypse survival topics at the water cooler is like saying Orange in the new Pink. Whoever said that just be seriously disturbed. You want to meet new, interesting, and possibly insane people? Then create your own Zombie fan club and get to surviving.

reese

1. The Zombie Related Media: Movies, Television, Comic Books, Action Figures, and Books. They all have Zombies in them and who better to enjoy them than awesome people who loves Zombies. Either by yourself in a movie theater, in the comfort of your own home during a horror movie marathon, or sitting in a Starbucks enjoying a great book.

Starbucks_Corporation_Logo_2011_svg





Disney Princess Deathmatch Round 1 Part 1

24 10 2012

I have decided to put Disney Princesses toe-to-toe in a death match and see who will come out victorious. Now I will be using the Disney Princess Line for contestants, therefore even though Mulan is a soldier’s daughter and marries a son of a general and Pocahontas is a daughter of a chief and marries John Smith, they will be included in the battles.  There are a total of 10 Princesses in the line to date, and I have sorted them in pairs tournament style!

First up is “THE SLEEPERS”

First up Snow “Fairest of Them All” White. After being forced to be a maid by her evil Step-Mother, Snow became stronger and used her adorability to survive drastic and near death experiences. (I mean she was almost assassinated by the huntsmen, do you think it was because she was better looking than the Queen?) Before being out smarted and falling for that whole poisoned apple bit; Snow trained with the 7 deadly sins, a rouge group of Dwarves who sharpened her skills and made her one of the world’s leading killing machines.

Age: 14

Powers: Speaking with animals and soothing Grumpy’s attitude

Occupation: Maid and Princess

Created by: Brother’s Grimm

First Movie Appearance: 1937

Weapon of Choice:  Broom and her Dwarves

Weakness: Apple’s

Favorite Fashion accessory: Red Cape

And her opponent, Aurora AKA “Sleeping Beauty.” Forced into hiding due to a curse from a very pissed off party crasher, Aurora went under her alias Briar Rose. For 16 years Aurora was honed her skills of singing and love (no joke when I looked up Aurora they listed love as a weapon, she is a woman after all) into an art. Though she was sheltered from her true identity Aurora came to grips with the reality with poise and grace you would expect from a Princess and took on the challenge head on.

Age: 16

Inspiration: Audrey Hepburn

Created by: Brothers Grimm

Weapon: Love

Powers: Speaking with animals and sewing up a mean scarf

Weakness: Spindle

Occupation: Princess

First movie appearance: 1959

*Ding Ding* So the battle is on, so my reasoning for both are fairly strong if only for the fact they are pretty evenly matched. Both have the ability to sing and communicate with animals, fall victim to a death curse that gets softened to only a sleeping one by a small event, and get saved by True Love’s kiss. Though admittedly Aurora is the tallest as well as the oldest, her being sheltered from the truth is a liability. With the Dwarves and survival of the huntsmen, and Aurora not being able to last in her own cottage, the victory goes to Snow.

Next time I will be pinning Cinderella and Ariel in a battle royale.





Zomlypse Survival Guide Part VII – Knowledge Son and Media Suggestions

22 10 2012

One of my key points in an early entry (Part III Number 5) I mention how important research was to survival. I still feel I didn’t stress it enough as well as not really give a guide to what tools might be the best to utilize for research. So I made a list (yes another, I like lists okay – back off) of my favorite Zomlypse materials to better prepare you.

1. Walking Dead: I have not personally read the graphic novel, so my exposure to this amazing franchise is only the t.v. show, which I love. I feel like this is a pretty realistic portrayal of what the Zomlypse would be like, and unlike most other t.v. shows and movies, you get more information on general day-to-day survival and see different characters points of view to get a fuller picture. Like  a slow view of power struggles, people’s dealing with dying/being infected, travel, and scavenging. I need to find a nifty red neck baller like Daryl to add to my survival group (applications can be sent directly to me for consideration) with some mad crossbow skills. I agree with Rick’s approach to traitors and people trying to stir the pot – kill em. Great philosophy and I would be on board for the Ricktatorship!

GO TEAM DARYL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Other Key Points:

  • An evolving cast not just in members but dimensions of original characters. It shows possible growths or liabilities you might not have considered.
  • Alternate Hide-Outs, scavenging locations and objects, as well as weapons.
  • Pattern of Zombie behavior – traveling in herds as well as attracted to loud noises.
  • Possible camouflage in blood to mask scent of living flesh
  • Zombie creation possibility as disease as well as being bitten
  • Confirm brain must be damaged to bring them down
  • Not tip toeing around children zombies and eliminating them

Detractions:

  • Annoying woman characters. I at one point or another – typically every episode I just want to slaughter ever female character. Only exceptions were usually Andrea and Maggie.
  • Glen being under utilized
  • Lori being pregnant
  • They had Sam Witwer on as a zombie. A ZOMBIE!! Seriously, I guess he loves playing dead things (he is the Vamp on Syfy’s Being Human) and for only the pilot – waste of talent.

<—-look at all that talent and attractiveness going to waste. For Shame AMC! For Shame!!!!

2. Zombieland – This movie made the list for several reasons. It is a more comedic than I typically prefer for horror, but it has a good sense of humor and the characters are relatable. The story line isn’t the strongest, but the advice I feel is sound for survival and that is the most important part as well as different from sources.

Other Key Points:

  • Columbus makes lists, and as everyone is painfully aware, I love them!
  • Shows a non-violent alternative for two girls to get the needed materials.
  • Stresses the importance of a goal for hope for survival.
  • Bill Murray!!!!
  • Proof being a fake zombie as a joke is a deadly mistake
  • Cool Code Names
  • There is no safe place untouched by the horrors of zombies
  • Awarding “Zombie Kill of the Week”

Detractions:

  • Vegan twinkie, like there is such a thing
  • Taylor Lauter was going be Columbus, I would have rather liked a hot werewolf as Columbus……
  • Bill Murray’s Death
  • Zombie creation: mad-cow disease? somehow I don’t buy that

3. Shaun of the Dead: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are just a hilarious pairing. They show a normal person’s response and abilities and dealing with the zomlypse. They throw what they can to deter a zombie, as well as go into obvious unapproved hide out locations!!! All is not lost though, because it does show the importance of killing the infected because they will literally come back and bite you if you don’t. (get it, zombie humor. I crack myself up sometimes)

Other Key Points:

  • Proof (if it was even needed) a basement or cellar are not good hiding places from zombies. Flimsy wood door is getting broken down – always.
  • Uses for Zombies after the initial break out  ie pets, labor, and entertainment.
  • Use of “Queen” for the soundtrack
  • Cell Phones should be on vibrate when acting like a zombie
  • Simon Pegg can almost open a can of Diet Coke with his teeth
  • Records make horrible weapons to disable zombies

Detractions:

  • Mother hiding she was bit.
  • Not explaining how Diane lived
  • Not explaining reason/cause for outbreak
  • More like survival on the go, not really any planning at all

4. 28 Days Later: This shows a whole new side of zombies, the crazy “Omg! I’m going to die” zombie. It gives more specifics than a general movie or even t.v. show like Walking Dead. Technically not zombies, but it is a similar enough to warrant zombie status. Created by a virus “Rage” and spread from infected chimps. The main character Jim, wakes up from a coma (similar to Walking Dead’s Rick) and not having a clue what is happening and nearly dies from his first interaction before being saved by his new group.

Other Key Points:

  • Cillian Murphy plays Jim also Scarecrow from the Batman reboot.
  • One drop of blood can infect a person
  • Listening to the radio regarding army safe place really gets you nowhere
  • Women do not want to be used as sex slaves while you try to starve off the zombie infection
  • Glasses are sexy because blood would hopefully drip on them first verses directly in your eye

Detractions:

  • Not a true zombie
  • Getting a shot body to the abandoned hospital and having enough expertise to save a nearly dead man seeems highly unlikely
  • Ending is just chilling waiting for someone to save them

5. Dawn of the Dead: It spawned all of this. It is the reason that zombies have infiltrated my life. You need to start at the beginning sometimes to understand the whole evolution of the concept. Yes, so much of what we initially thought and believed has drastically changed (ie remake took place in a mall – an effing MALL) but the zombie will still be reason for humanity falling and the world ending as we know it.





Zomlypse Survival Guide Part VI – Games

19 10 2012

Sometimes killing zombies can get a little monotonous, it happens, that’s life in the Zomlypse. When that time comes people might take unneeded risks to bring excitement to their lives (life on the brink of extinction wasn’t enough for some people) and therefore endanger themselves and the group. Research has shown promising results that by introducing some games to greatly reduce these risks. Here are some ideas that most positive response!

 

1. Counter: This puts everyone in a competition for the number of zombies killed. This can either be all time, weekly, monthly, etc depending on the group and how often you want to crown a winner. I am a very competitive and therefore this drives me to do better, act smarter, and be more efficient. Bonus points can be giving for multi-killer, killing spree, number of head shots…think of it as almost video gamed themed in scoring!

 

2. Horse: Have quite a few zombies to slay, some time to kill, and feeling a little creative? At least two people are needed and you just need to call the shot and have the next person duplicate and so on. The game is over when someone spells HORSE or there are not more zombies.

 

3. Zombie Scavenger Hunt: Though instead of collecting objects, you collect zombie spotings/or kills. You can use some of the suggestions below or make a list of your own.

One Armed Red Neck

Stepford-esque

Celebrity Look-A-Likes

Village People

Superhero

Santa

Nurse

Waldo

 

4. Categories: The game is a little more fun with 3 or more people. Each person takes a turn and will think of a thing in a certain category (like ice cream flavor, movie, actor,actress) the remaining people take turns guessing until someone says the correct answer. The person who thought of the word and who said it correctly then have to both aim and hit a certain target (aka zombie) and whoever hits it first gets a point.

 

(I’ll take any excuse to put a picture of Eric Northman in my blog/life)

 

5.  Royalty: Zomlypse not required, this game is just very addictive and seriously competitive.





My Life is a Giant Eff’d Up Circle

17 10 2012

It really is. Everything I have been through and thought I got over somehow sneaks up on me again and then boom, circle. Even if you just looked at my blogging you could see the pattern, but apparently it is one giant circle that encompasses my life in its entirety. How Rude! Everyone must feel this way right? This weird pull in a direction you have already been in, hoping that the outcome and experience will be so drastically different it will rationalize the bizarre indy 500 you are competing in? I also find it almost incomprehensible that I just realized this. I am not brightest crayon in the box typically, but I am amazed sometimes how little I know about myself. Like how easily I become side tracked….anyways. Back on track! Eff’d up circle = my life. Here is a bit more clarity so you can understand what I am talking about. I have an obsessive personality which ebbs and flows. I become really obsessed to the point of terrifying myself before baking it off entirely, and then move on to something new. This continues obsession hoping for a couple more times until I go back to an obsession I have previously thought I kicked the habit of. And round and round I go. This isn’t just for watching a show, reading a series or genre, music, general hobbies, and time fillers. I almost do it with people too. I horde time with certain friends and then not see them, sometimes not talk to them for a while until I realize that I have not spent time again and then I spend even more time with them to make up for missed time.

You can just list this entry as reason 19,802 I am irrational and a little crazy.

 

 

 

 





Horror Movie Survival Guide….sort of

16 10 2012

This is inspired by my fab friend Megan. She introduced me to “Cabin in the Woods” two weeks ago, and I have been mulling it over ever since. In this movie, people are chemically pushed to portray horror movie character stereotypes and chose the manner of their own demise. In my not-so-countless hours of thinking this idea over, I came to the realization that most plagues me; I am much smarter than the characters and I would totally survive. Now this has been brought up before during many of my friends horror movie marathons, usually during or after the mourning of my movie boyfriend. Together as a group we have absorbed a ridiculous amount of horror movies. Considering we have a vast knowledge of zombie movies and that only represents a portion on our movie marathons, it is more than ridiculous and just down right astounding. Now that I have sufficiently bragged about them, I feel comfortable to proceed to my point. As a group we could most likely survive, but being forced chemically like the people in “Cabin in the Woods” might tip the scales in our demise. (I mean they did turn a pre-med student into a blithering blonde whore with some hair dye…) So here are a few of my thoughts if you find yourself in a horror movie-esque scenario.

Now most horror movies don’t actually occur where you live, if you have lived there for a while; so if that is the case for you, so far so good. In my experience they start in rest stops or gas stations while on road trips, visiting an old camp or stomping ground from your childhood that has a sordid or mysterious past, a new house built on an indian burial ground, an old house that people died in or housed the murders, or a cabin in the woods that one of your friends get invited to by their cousin you later realize never exisited….etc. Basically any  place that could house bad juju, speaking of bad juju stay away from all things Ouija boards. Ouija boards are not some child toy and just seep bad juju in my opinion.

So some how you ignore all the warning signs and get stuck in a horror movie scenario with one of your members triggering the forces to place the curse upon the group in its entirety. That is a tough tun of events, but remember sometimes, someone lives either by chance or escapes (to leave it open to a possible sequel) so you have at least that shot into getting out alive. To better understand your chances for survival and your role, you will need to identify what stereotype you are supposed to be portraying.

Megan – “Alpha Male”: Alpha means a couple of things, one being you are a douche bag (sorry Megan) and the other you are going to most likely die. They are usually the survivor of the first attack by the horror movie villan (please see Whore for more information regarding the first victim) and spread the word of the impending danger to give the others a chance to survive. To try survive passed the stereotype, try to listen to your gut and DON’T separate the group!

Briana: – “Side-Kick”: Side-kick to the Alpha is a little complicated. Half the movie I am convinced the Side-Kick is on the horror from the beginning and beg the Alpha to ignore their advice, and the other half I am convinced listening to them will save everyone. If you are the Side-Kick pick an effing side and stick to it. If you are on it from the beginning and part of the trap, for shame! If you just are giving lousy advice, shut up. And if you are giving advice that could save people and Alpha is ignoring it, rather than causing mutiny and having people take sides just kill the Alpha and blame whatever is hunting you down.

Nell: – “Loaner”  This is the street smart character that you are not sure how meshes in the group. (Not you  Nell! I love you, it is just what character best fits you!!!!) They appear a little stand off-ish and clash with the main group dynamic. The Loaner is not dismissed though, they provide valuable insight that the Nerd will most likely not account for as well as try to steer the group to safety. The downfall of the Loaner is typically when the group fully accepts them or they realize they love the group like a family and openly discuss this. So your survival tip is easy, DON’T! Just stay quiet and alive and block out all human emotions.

Lauren: – “Nerd” If you look around and you are the smartest person in the group, book wise, you are probably The Nerd. The Nerd will typically cling to logic and try to define the unimaginable with scientific and nonsense reasoning. Unfortunately for Lauren, their denial will seal their death while they are trying to disprove the horror  killing them. The only way to survive as the “Nerd” is to not be stuck in trying to your way out of it. Not everything is just a creepy man in a mask as Scooby Doo has let some of us let to believe, sometimes like the movie – it is a dog in a mask.

Courtney: – “Jock” If you were on several sports teams on high school or college and not the towel boy, this is probably you. The jock is plagued by good moral compass and going back to save the weaker members of the team. To survive, just run like hell…seriously. You will be safe as long as someone is slower behind you. You might also want to get a baller weapon in case you need to be on the defensive.

Ben: – “Slacker” AKA “Fool” Unlike the Nerd, the Fool thinks outside the box….sometimes a little too outside the box. Survival is key for the Slacker. You need to get your head in the game and don’t get too distracted. Your ability to not think like the standard sane person works in your favor as long as you have the drive and sense enough to push it too far.

Jennifer – “Innocent” AKA “Virgin” This character typically as the highest rate of survival as long as they suffer in the process. I honestly don’t completely agree with this assessment of what I bring to the table, but with the stereotypes this unfortunately fits me best. (Awesome, funny, baller zombie killer was not an option) To survive I suggest sticking to the group, over dramatizing everyone’s death to show how hurt you are, and pushing yourself to the emotional breaking point in front of the killer. (Also doesn’t hurt if at that moment you have a fool-proof plan of killing it as a back up) This will gain sympathy and will let you live if only to allow a sequel to occur to torture you with your new friends.

“Whore” – This person is basically bait, slutty bait. I could try to give you some tips that might make sure you don’t last the first death, but honestly I blame the whore for what is happening the group. So if you die first, you know will know why.